I Am Officially Underwhelmed

I refused to get excited about field goals*. You know why? Because it means you couldn't score a touchdown.

Secondly, when did it become illegal in college football to deliberately take a loss of yardage to runo out the clock? It didn't. In two games today, teams with the lead had fourth and long with less than seven seconds left. Rather than run backwards to milk the clock, both teams ran plays into the defense. Fortunately both teams won. But here's the thing, why don't you just run backwards or at least zig zag? Why even risk a fumble and, even worse, why give the ball back?

* Unless, of course, said field goal is kicked from an absurdly long distance in order to win or tie a game as time expires.

I Hath Returned!

Just in time for college football, let me hit you with a few notable observations:

1. Frank Beamer is now officially fat.

2. Desmond Howard, a mere one day into the first full weekend of the season, dropped this nugget on the populace regarding Michigan: "the winningest college football in major history, program." 

The comma indicates an actual and noticeable pause, during which time it seemed that Desmond thought to himself, "Wait, this don't sound right. What will drive home my point about Michigan's storied football tradition, while at the same time rescuing me from utter ridicule? Ah, add the word program at the end. I should have said it after football, but if I just chuck it in at the end, no one will notice. In fact, there will be such a jumble of words in the listener's mind, that what he'll remember is, 'the winningest major college football program in history,' or ' in history program football the college major winningest.' Either way, I can't lose!"

Guest Blogger: My Dad

You know what team I hate? The Falcons. I can't stand the Falcons. Ever since I was a kid, I couldn't stand the Falcons. You know where I think it comes from? When Bobby Hebert left the Saints in '92, he ended up with the Falcons. I think he wanted to go to the Raiders, though. Ever since then. No Falcons. I can't stand Falcons fans either. What have the Falcons ever won? Jack. But their fans act like that team has actually accomplished something consistently. I think folks in Atlanta just don't like people from New Orleans. Tough. Don't like you either. I couldn't stand Michael Vick either. The Saints' defenses were so crappy when Vick was on the Falcons, they could never tackle him so he looked way better than he was. Man, I can't stand the Falcons. What a bunch of bozos. I enjoy seeing them lose. I like Warrick Dunn though. There's the thing. Warrick Dunn went to Catholic of Baton Rouge. Rival! Florida State. Rival! And then played for the Falcons who, as you know, I hate. But I like him. I still don't like the Falcons though. And I stand by that. The Raiders I think are kind of funny. They're just dumb. The Falcons though. It is bitter. 

It Is On and It Is On Early This Year

NFL Live, ESPN, approx. 4:10 p.m. EST:

Mike Golic, re: Rex Grossman:

Paraphrasing: "He's been spectacular and he's been awful."

Let us define spectacular as having some statistical basis. That is, let's not just say that being "spectacular" means being awesome, according to whatever definition one might have of awesome. For some, being spectacular might mean not sucking. For our purposes, particularly for a QB, spectacular means having a game with at least 3 TD's, 1 to 0 INT's, over 60% completion, and at least 300 yards. Let's look at Rex's spectacularity:

Number of regular season games with completion percentage over 60:  6

Number of regular season games with a completion percentage under 60: 24

Number of regular season games with more than 2 TD passes: 3

Number of regular season games with 0 TD passes: 13

Of those 13 0 TD performances, games with at least 1 INT: 8

Of those 8 o TD/ at least 1 INT games with more than 1 INT: 6

Number of regular season games that even come close to being spectacular: 2

Now, let's look at awful. Awful for a QB involves throwing the ball to the other team and not getting the ball to guys on your team. That said, if say, Rex Grossman had a game where he threw at least 2 INT's, failed to complete 60% of his passes and had 1 to 0 TD's, you might say that he was awful.

Awful games for Rex Grossman: 9

Oh, and just for bleeps and giggles, Rex's career completion percentage in the playoffs: 51.9. Career passer rating in the playoffs: 67.3.

Just sayin'.

 

NBA Post-Season Awards

The All-I- Can't- Stand- To- Even- Watch- These- Guys- Play Team (Because they're so aesthetically offensive.)

Criteria for selection:

1. Have a borderline offensive hairstyle. The kind of hair that makes people upset to see. Preferably, hair that moves around a lot while you're on the court. Also, hair that makes you look like you're working harder than you really are.

2. Have a name or face (preferably both) that could easily get you cast as the villain in a "Die Hard" or Steven Segal movie. 

3. Have some aspect of your game that is just flat out annoying to watch. Flail around a lot. Flop in order to get charging calls. Or otherwise be a dirty s.o.b.

4. Play for a team that is either overrated or that is a tease.

5. For the love of god, be foreign.

This year's All-Stars are:

C Dirk "Irk" Nowitzki, Dallas 

Dirk is really the MVP of this team. He's a really good offensive player, but he's hard to root for because of the ways that he meets the above criteria. He is the ultimate flailer, his hair..., and he would obviously play the really tall henchman to someone named Gerhardt who has just hijacked a cruise ship on which Segal and his wife are taking their honeymoon. And by the way, this guy has no idea about how to celebrate.

F Zaza "Patchouli" Pachulia, Atlanta

This guy promises to be a perennial member of this team. He's got the dangerous Croatian (I know, he's Georgian) mafia stubble, along with the slimy looking hair. Also, he's a whiner and he's dirty as a bastard. His character wouldn't even need a name. He'd just play himself. 

Albanian arms dealer: "You meet my price, or you pay!"

Willis/ Segal/ Van Damme: "What the hell are you talking about."

Albanian arms dealer: "Zaza, show him we mean business."

F Anderson "Sideshow Bob/ Mel" Varejao, Cleveland

While Dirk might be the MVP, this guy might just be the most annoying. What does he do, exactly, besides flop whenever an opposing player gets within ten feet of him? His hair is the standard by which candidates for this team are judged.

*You may notice that there are only three members of the team, rather than the typical five. This is intentional. There is no way that five guys like this could every play on the same team as such a combination of facial hair, flopping, and Eastern European mafia connections would cause the planet to collapse on itself.

Less Than Awesome Moments: Part One

Here at the FCO, we begin a new weekly series: Less Than Awesome Moments. Today, in the aftermath of the NFL Draft, we re-visit a less than awesome moment in New England Patriots draft history.

We return to the 1999 draft, particularly to the 28th pick for this week's Less Than Awesome Moment.

I've been away...

But now I'm back.

Quick update on the D-Man:

1. Teeth have arrived. Two of them and, lemme tell ya, not a good time. Holy crap. I gotta go through all this just to have these bad Larry's fall out? The Toof Fairy best be payin' well this year, recession be damned, for all the pain and suffering I've been through.

2. Spent the weekend in NYC for the first time. A few observations:

A. Why all the noise? Why all the honking? What happened to peace and civility?

B. Fell asleep in a restaurant. I guess that's a pretty major accomplishment, given A.

C. I really do think that I was rollin' around in the cheapest stroller, by comparison, in NY.
Some of these contraptions, holy moly! Thousands of dollars for a glorified shopping cart. Lemme tell ya, unless that sumbiscuit is propelling itself, gimme the old Graco standby any day of the week.

3. Kicked it with my Maw Maw from the NO. Good times.

Alright, I'll hit ya'll up with some NFL Draft observations tomorrow. I'll give you one now though: you won't remember 80% of these guys in two years.

What the Fox?

Fox switched over from the Red Sox-Yankees, during the top of the 9th with two out while Papelbon was pitching, to some NASCAR race without informing its viewers. The game was on FX, unbeknownst to many. I've got a lot of problems with Fox (1. Joe Buck 2. Tim McCarver ["You're a real man Deion. A real man.] 3. Its obsession with showing fans during the game 4. The combination of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver 4. Planting stars of their shows in the stands of games as a way to promote said show while seeming to indicate that the presence of these people is completely coincidental and unintentional. 5. "Interviewing" the guy who played the TO-esque athlete in the Bud commercials a few years back, while the guy was in character!) but this is something else. Switching over is so 1970's. Does this even need to happen anymore when you actually have alternate networks? As a side note, do people even watch NASCAR on TV outside of the South? This isn't a crack, but a legit question. Isn't the NASCAR fad kind of dead. I mean, even rappers aren't wearing the jackets anymore.

Why My Father Is Insane: Part 1

He taped the Florida spring football game so that he could watch it while he was on the treadmill. No joke. From what I know, he actually watched it. The spring game. He taped it. Yep. Still got it saved. Wow.

NHL Playoff Preview/ Live Blog!

Bruins @ Canadiens (Game 1)

1. Now, you can call my anti-American if you want to, but here's the problem with America. The way we deal with our national anthem is pathetic compared to the way the Canadians do it. The folks above the border are singin' and yellin' and wavin' towels. Showing legitimate excitement. Try that at a friggin' game in the US during the anthem and some Civil War vet will try to rip your head off. Its called pride, people! Last time I checked, this is America!

2. Change the national anthem. Chuck it. I'm serious. Replace it with Neil Diamond's "America." You can't tell me that that won't get this nation hyped up to support pretty much anything. Such as...

3. Your #8 seed Boston Bruins who, less than three minutes into the game, are down 2-0. Wow.

Don't Quit Your Day Job. Or Any Other Job For That Matter.

The second baseman, number fifteen, Dustin Pedroia!

I Apologize.

For the delay. I set myself up with an agenda, so here it is.

1. Billy Packer: Play the NCAA Tournament Drinking Game. Every time that Packer says, "He got away with one" or otherwise mentions a foul that wasn't called, take a drink. You'll be bleep-faced before the first TV timeout.

2, The College Basketball Invitational: Or, the NIT for Losers. Or, the Everyone's a Winner Tournament, Yaaaaaaay! Or, the HDACATAAWMTPAVBTITCTWGTWA (Honestly, Does Anyone Care About This At All? Well Maybe The People At Virginia Because This Is The Closest They Will Get To Winning Anything.)

3. Myself: Feelin' better. Gettin' after it. Grip it and rip it, that's my motto.

Let's Just Say...

that I (and my father and my mother) have been a wee bit under the weather. I'm not gonna get specific, but let's just say that it rhymes with bomach slu.  I guarantee that I'll be back shortly with commentary on the following:

1. Billy Packer

2. The College Basketball Invitational

3. Myself.

Wait patiently.

So, How's This Work Exactly?

This is my first experience with the NCAA tournament, or, what adults refer to as "March Madness." I don't necessarily get what is going on exactly, but there is one question that I have: Why did Arizona make the tournament and Arizona State did not?

For example, Arizona finished 8-10 in the Pac-10 and 19-14 overall. ASU went 9-9 in the league and 19-12 overall. Soooooo, ASU had a better conference record, a better overall record, and beat Arizona twice. Hmmm. Let's look deeper. Arizona lost to Stanford twice, UCLA twice, lost to Oregon twice, and split with Washington State. ASU? Split with Stanford, lost to UCLA twice, split with Oregon, and lost to Washington State twice. They also beat Xavier and split with USC, as did Arizona. What teams that you may have heard of  did Arizona beat that weren't in the Pac-10 and that are as good as Xavier...

Oh wait, Arizona beat Adams State. That might have been the difference maker. 

Just Don't Vote...

...for this dirty diapie wipie.

C'maaaan. Steroids: illegal. Working to eliminate things that are illegal, a noble venture especially among politicians, even if they can't get it right.

Taping defensive signals in the NFL: not illegal. Trying to "get to the bottom" of an activity that was in violation of NFL rules, that was dealt with by the NFL, and has no bearing on public safety or well-beign: inanity.

Thank You!

Bob Ryan gets it.

Why do so few?

How many all-time great QB's chucked the ball up for grabs into triple-coverage during the playoffs, in overtime? I can't answer that, but I'll assume that none did it as many times as Favre.

Just Went to This Great New Place...

Well, I don't know if its really all that new or not because, hey, I'm not even eight months old so almost everything is new for me. Anyway, The Aegean in Framingham. Good times. Had a little of the rice and the roasted potatoes. Gotta tell ya, I liked it. No kiddin'. They do a good job. The service: perfect. The waitress: very attractive (Is that ok? Can I say that?). Whatever. I liked it big time. My folks said that they used to go there a lot, so it was pretty hyped up. You know how that goes. "Oh, this place is sooo good. You have to go." Then you get there. Uhhh. The saltimbocca was cold and they had like, two Chiantis on the menu. And one of 'em was like thirty bucks. For a friggin' Chianti. The Aegean though, not like that at all. Definitely lived up to the rep. Had a nice high chair. Good view of everyone at the table. And, mom got the peas and brown rice to me as soon as I sat down. Well done. Here's my thing. I like to go out as much as the next guy, but I don't want to be sittin' there for half an hour waitin' on some pureed veggies while everyone else is chowin' down on some spinach pie or maybe some fasolatha. Lemme get somethin' on the tum and I'm ready to roll. All in all, I'll give this one five out of five stars. Hey, I don't even know what the hell five means. Not only that, what the bleep is a star? Five out of five bibs? Sippy cups? Diapers? Whatever, as long as its baby related. That's what people expect. Aegean in Framingham, the FCO shall return. Peace.

Let Us Kiss His Gold Spandex Clad Bum.

Brett Favre retires.

So, may the battle to heap the most praise on Ol' Number Four begin. Who will win this battle of the sycophants? This Wright Thompson figure? (As a side note, this guy's name isn't real. If it is real, he isn't actually a sportswriter. He can only be 1. an English Premier league soccer player who chooses to not use his first name, 2. the heir to an Eastern seaboard-based chemical industry, or 3. someone Holden Caulfield would refer to as a "real Joe Yale looking guy".) John Clayton, who somehow seems to blame this all on Randy Moss. 

I've only been around nigh eight months. And, while I will acknowledge that Favre is on the list of the all-time greats, here is my top five  (from my immediate genetic memory):

1. Brady

2. Manning

3. Montana

4. Elway

5. Marino

Quite Possibly, A Total Piece of Doo Doo.

This fine nugget of dump from John Clayton who has already deemed the Patriots (along with four other teams) to be "losers" in free agency.

Let us open the diaper and explore, shall we?

What a tough start to the offseason. (They didn't resign Moss, oh wait, yeah they did. But feel free to contradict yourself later.) The secondary took hits with cornerback Asante Samuel heading to Philadelpia, (Granted, a loss. But, come on. No one, I mean no one, saw this one coming. No one ever thought he'd leave.) cornerback Randall Gay going to New Orleans (Yep, the Pats should've matched the $17 million for a guy who has the stats mentioned in the last post. Gotta keep him around.)  and safety Eugene Wilson expected to leave in the next few days (10 career interceptions. Two over the last three years. If Gay got $17 million, Wilson's worth at least $35. Dollars. Not million. Thirty-five dollars.). Even though Moss is apparently staying, (Which still makes this offseason a loss because they also lost a nickel back [Not the band Nickelback mind you, although I think the world would be a much better place if fifth defensive backs got paid millions and Nickelback got sent into the Diaper Genie.]) the Pats lost WR Donte' Stallworth to Cleveland (Who will pay literally anything, anything, for ex-Pats. See Joe Andruzzi and Willie McGinest. Also, he was on a one year contract. Did you honestly think that the Patriots would pay him the amount of money that Cleveland did and still keep him as a third receiver? This is why teams like the Redskins fail year after year. They pay Big Time Player money to guys who aren't.) and Jabar Gaffney is unsigned (How dare they wait!) . Outside linebacker Rosevelt Colvin was released (Losing Colvin is perhaps, given the money he was making, the worst example to use if you want to assert that the offseason was bad.)

Here' s my overall problem with this article. I get that losing Samuel was bad. Granted. And keeping Stallworth would have been nice. But his return was least likely of them all. I got no problem with my top three wideouts being Moss, Welker, and Gaffney. The rest of these guys (the other three Clayton mentions) aren't really losses. Wilson doesn't do much of anything, Gay is a fifth (at best) defensive back, and Colvin is slow and hurt, hurt and slow, so on and so forth. The only way that the offseason is a loss for the Pats is if they don't sign Moss.

Clayton, you are hereby nominated for the Fraud of the Week.

What the hello?

So, the Saints signed Randall Gay. You know where the FCO is goin' with this one. 

Gay's stats in 39 career games (watch out, these numbers are mind blowin'): 14 starts, 5 interceptions, 1 fumble recovery, 86 tackles, and 12 passes defensed. And for that, he's getting $17 mil. Wow. I hate to break the news to my pops, o he of Saints fandom, but these kinds of deals are the reason his team ain't done jack-doo doo. Also, how much of that $17 mil is because of the Patriot Effect -- guys getting overpaid because they looked good while with the Pats.

I love the comments from readers below the article. The excitement is almost unrestrained. People honestly think that Randall Gay is going to make that team better. I love the comment that says he's "a leader." Really? He was? The Randall Gay that played for the Pats? Huh. Was he a captain? Did he start? Hmmm. My favorite comment has to be the guy who asks "Who on earth is Randall Gay?" and follow up with "I can only assume he's good to get paid money like that." 

Oh, Saints people, prepare to be underwhelmed.

And Thus, the MIAA Hath Been Ex-Po-Sed...

...as an extremely questionable championship managing authority when stuff like this can happen. This from the same MIAA whose football "champion" is decided by a four team "playoff." Yep, totally legit.

What did I tell you!/NBA Part Deuce

Ben Wallace, in his first game with the Cavs: 12 points and 10 rebounds. This from a guy averaging 5.2 and 8.8 up to that point. Whaaaaah, I'm on a "contender" now! Whaaaaah, now I'm happy! More gee dee cryin' than when I don't take my afternoon nap. According to LeBron, Wallace was "rejuvenated". Give me a break. I guess anybody could get his mojo back playin' the Grizzlewizzles. Listen, chief, you're makin'  $15. 5 mil after having gone to Virginia Frickin' Union. Suck it up. 

Drunkle Matty: Exciting and New!

What’s up crackerjacks? I’m very excited to be posting alongside my nephew or D-money as we call that little piece of calamari out here on the west coast. I appreciate the warm welcome and D’s promise that we would break into his fathers bourbon stash (for a baby he has great taste) next time I am back in the central Mass. Let me just pop open a new brew, turn on the celts and we can get this show on the road.

So I just got the NBA ticket as a valentine’s Day gift from my lady friend.... by the way ladies, always a good gift... and it is great because not only can I watch any NBA game I would like but when watching the Celtics, I always get the home team feed.. It is amazing!!! The local commercials are priceless. Right now my 2 favorite on the Portland feed are the Joe’s sporting goods store... think Dick’s but on a lower budget... and some weird Casino (Spirit Mountain Casino... It was just on again... better the 2nd time) which takes a page out of Foxwoods book with a catchy little jingle but half the class.

On a side note: Saw a commercial for the WWF. Not the Wrestling. The World Wildlife Federation. Sharon Lawrence was trying to get me to give some money to save the polar bears. Really? You want me to save polar bears? Why? If they die off what is the worst that happens? I don’t have an excuse not to go Canada anymore?!? Ask me for money when chickens are dying off. At least they are delicious.

Now the Portland programming is great but nothing can compete with the Denver feed.

Why? The hilarious commercials, Matty?

Wrong reader.
It’s the announcing crew of Chris "I stole my name from Shakespear’s nemesis" Marlow and, the man that has changed my life forever, Scott Hastings. Lets just start off by saying they are not well informed and I am petty sure Marlow has never watched an Eastern Conference team play. Now, I could talk about them all night but I only have a half a bottle of Jamison left and will need to hit the LQ before the night is out. So my focus will be on favorite quote from Mr. Hastings when he was describing Paul Pierce being slow footed.

"He moves like a water buffalo through the rice patties..."

WHAT??? That should not be used to describe anything... unless of course you describing a water buffalo moving through rice patties. Is he from southeastern Asia??? Was he in Nam??? And I loved how he said THE rice patties. As if there is only one group of patties and you know exactly the ones he is speaking of. Also it implies that a water buffalo moves slower through THE rice patties than other animals. Would a pig make better work of it? How about a tiger? A polar bear? (Although I don’t think that will help their numbers) How about you Scott Hastings??? I would love to see Hastings struggling through the waste high water while Chris Marlow gives inaccurate play-by-play.

Okay Chums, that’s my time. I will see you next Sunday when I will have some fresh ideas and a fresh six-pack.

Uhhhh, what?

The Bears just re-signed Rex Grossman.

Uhhh, what?

Now, I understand that NFL contracts are as worthless as the paper they're printed on, and that all that matters is the signing bonus, but Rex Grossman? Again.

The line on "Sexy" Rexy's career: completion %: 54 (Michael Vick-esque, actually, worse than the Atomic Dog), rating: 70.9 (Hmmm, somethin' smells in here. My diaper? No. Rex Grossman's career passer rating? Yeppers.), TD's to INT's 31/33 (Well now lookee here. Ol' Rexy chucks it to the guys in the other colored jersey's more than he does to the guys with the GSH on the sleeve. That merits a new contract in my world. Compare this to my TD to INT numbers: 0/0.)

Basically, Rex can't do the things that QB's are supposed to do and does all the things that QB's shouldn't, and for that, welcome back to the Bears!

Major Announcement!

I am pumped! The FCO will now have a new weekly feature, a guest column every Sunday from my uncle Matty. This will be good because he's going to provide some solid insight and rational analysis of all things sports related! He can be trusted to give coherent commentary, with a bit of the ol' humor, that everyone will enjoy! 

Fraud of the Week (FotW): Erik Kuselias

Congratulations, Mr. Kuselias of ESPN Radio "fame"! You are the winner of the inaugural FCO FotW Award for excellence in saying things that make no sense. 

(By the way, doesn't this photo already say, "I'm proud to be the FCO FotW!")

Your accomplishment, defending Kelvin "Rollover Minutes" Sampson by claiming that "It isn't like he's paying kids." Ah, what an insightful and coherent commentary that is obviously based on thoughtful consideration and objectivity. Well said. This coming from a lawyer. I don't think he's ever mentioned that on air before, but he's a lawyer in case you've never heard him say that about himself on the air. He's a lawyer.

Yes, you are right regarding Mr. Sampson, he hasn't (that we know of) paid kids off. All that he's done is cheat at two different schools and make 577 over the limit phone calls to recruits. Let's take a close look at that number, 577. Perhaps the sheer absurdity of it will be revealed if we spell it out: five hundred and seventy seven. Yep, that's a lot. But this is far better than "paying kids." Breaking a rule FIVE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY SEVEN times is excusable because there is no money involved. Hmmmm. Who ultimately suffers when coaches cheat? Coaches? Nope. Case in point, "No Roaming Fee" Sampson got $750,000 to sit on his keister for the rest of the year. What do the players get? Hmmm. A free upgrade to an iPhone? Nope. They end up getting screwed because they are the ones that have to deal with probation. Matter of fact. Some kids three years down the line will probably end up having to deal with the NCAA sanctions while K. Samp is coaching at some bottom tier Sun Belt school making six-figures and having gotten SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND dollars to leave a job where he cheated. 

So, here's to you Erik Kuselias, because its not like he's paying kids.

T. Doherty Tribute NBA Post

There is a situation brewing. On the horizon is the quintessential tank-job revealed. Case in point: Ben Wallace has just been traded to the Cavs. Here is a brief look at his stats from this year. A word of caution, these numbers are vomit inducing considering that his salary this year is $15, 500, 000.

FG %: .373 (Uggggh, I'm feelin' queasy.) Rebs: 8.8 (Bluuuurp. This from a guy who literally is supposed to do two things: 1. rebound and 2. block shots) Blocks: 1.60 (Bleeeeearrrrrrrrrrgh.) Pts. 5.1 (Uhh. Uhhh. Ok. I'm alright.)

Now. Let me wipe the puke from the bib. If these numbers should miraculously increase now that he is on a "contender," we will have seen a tank-job of Mark Blount-esque proportions. By the way. Has there been a more overrated player over the last five years than Ben Wallace? Dennis Rodman's stats over a career, for comparison: FG% .521, FT% .584, Rebs: 13.1. 

Peace!

Proposed NFL Rule Changes

Dear Roger Goodell,

Over the past few seasons (actually, over the past season as I have only been alive and, only marginally aware at that, for the 2007 edition) there have been a number of issues regarding on-field play that have been of concern to me (or, more specifically, to my father who, occasionally, uses my blog as a forum in which to air his grievances). I have been dismayed with some of the antics of NFL players over the past season. There are two areas, discussed below, that have been of particular concern to me. Thus, in the interest of making the game more appealing to me, the viewer, and for the good of the league in general, please consider the rules changes proposed below. You may notice that quite a few of these changes involve the enforcement of penalties. I, and others, believe that the only way to correct such grave problems with the NFL is to inflict harsh penalties on the field that will discourage such future behaviors amongst players.

Problem: Defenders picking up the ball and running towards the end zone as though having recovered a fumble when the play has obviously been ruled dead or when there is no chance in hell that the pass was actually caught

This has become more and more typical in any NFL game. Often, there will be multiple occurrences of this in a single contest. A defensive player will pick up a ball that has lay on the field for multiple seconds after the whistle has blown and will proceed towards the end zone with said ball while looking backwards as if to say, "It's a fumble right? No, I know it isn't. Is it?" This behavior is utter horse poop.

Solution: 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty

Problem: Receivers, and sometimes defensive backs, urging officials to call a pass interference penalty by miming the motion of drawing a flag from the waistband and throwing it.

This happens literally (I've counted) after every incomplete pass. You might not think it happens every time but that is exactly the evidence you need to know that it happens every time. It happens so often you don't even notice it! This has got to stop. Let the officials do their jobs. Or, let them screw up their jobs. 

Solution: 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty AND loss of down.

I'm sure that after due consideration you will find that these rules changes will make the NFL as a product better than it already is.

Sincerely (and "you're welcome"!),

The Full Contact Ombudsman

If You Work Out Like These Guys Do Then You Best Take Some Steroids

There is only one piece of evidence you need to come to the conclusion that Roger Clemens did take steroids/HGH. Look carefully at the "workout" footage ESPN keeps showing. You know what I mean, the clips of Roger "training" with McNamee. Basically, there is no way in hell that the "workout" he's doing would prepare anyone for playing pro ball. Here is the workout regimen ESPN shows and here's the problema:

Exercise 1: Gingerly stepping laterally, jogging backwards, and catching a football.

Problems
1. Sweat factor = 0.
2. Catching a football (that has been lightly tossed, by the way) trains you for what baseball skill exactly? Maybe for that part of a baseball game where players have to catch a football?

Exercise #2: Catching a baseball that is bounced to you while, hold up, gingerly stepping laterally.

Problems
1. Sweat factor = 0.
2. It's stupid.

Exercise #3: Squats.

Problems
1. Roger Clemens weight: 220
2. Amount of weight he was squatting in these clips: 150

Exercise #4: Light jogging with Andy Pettite

Problems
1. You're wearing a baseball cap
2. and a jacket
3. while jogging.
4. You look like a fool.
5. And you are jogging lightly, which prepares you for the part of playing pitcher where you have to do light jogging. When you are coming out to the mound.

Residuals

Aww, maaaaan. So my old man is puttin' on my onesie, gettin' me ready for bed. He gives me the blue Patriots job and, you know what starts happenin'? I start cryin'! Uncontrollably. I just couldn't deal with it. I though I was done. But, no. Eventually I pulled myself together with thoughts of the soon-to-come bottle. For a second there, though, I lost it.

Movin' Along

No, this isn't about what happens to my dinner after I've eaten the prunes. This is about the post-Super Bowl hangover that is afflicting all of Massachusetts. It is over! You know why? Because its Pro Bowl weekend which, in this household, means the end of the 2007 season. No more drivin'. No more cryin'. What? The Pats lost the Es Bee? Don't remember. That was last year. The Giants? Did what? When? Eli who? Never heard of 'em? Now that we can begin lookin' ahead to next year, I'll give you a few of my predictions for the '08 campaign. And, like all the so-called prognosticators and analyzizers on the networks, I'm pullin' this stuff straight outta the Diaper Genie.

1. Laurence Maroney will be a Pro-Bowler.

2. Asante Samuel will be a Patriot.

Peace!

Giggles and Poops: Super Bowl Edition

Poops

To me, for pickin' the Pats! Oopsie. Baby's bet fall down go boom!

Poops

To David Tyree, for attributing his drive saving catch to "God." Listen Dave, everybody knows that God roots for the following teams, in order: 1. the Gators 2. whoever is playing Tennessee or Georgia. Please.

Giggles

None. They don't exist today. Awright.

Uhhhhhhhhhh...double ear infection...and Super Bowl pick.

Huuuuuunh...Pats 37, nnnnnnnnnnnnnnh... Giants 10.

Mmmmph...Brady will get the MVP, but either, hold up...................................ok, but somebody else will have MVP worthy stats, like maybe Stallworth or Welker.

Peace.

Dr. Z...You Fraud!

Says Dr. Z regarding his pick of the Giants over the Pats in Super Bowl 42 (I can't really grasp Roman numerals at my age). Brackets are mine.:

"I can't handicap this game by conventional means -- [So, I'll admit that this is just pure, unadulterated guesswork rather than logical analysis] rush schemes and offensive planning and the like. I can only go back to Super Bowl III, [Number of Giants players and coaches involved in Super Bowl III: 0. Number of Patriots players and coaches involved in Super Bowl III: 0. Relevance of Super Bowl III to outcome of Super Bowl 42: 0.] when I was the New York Post's beat man covering the Jets, and I had a hunch [I had a hunch that I should read his article. That wasn't such a good idea.] that they were primed for a major upset over the Colts even though it didn't seem logical. [Logical according to the spread? The spread has little to do with logical and everything to do with mo-nay.] So I chickened out and picked the Colts by less than the huge spread. After watching the way the Giants [Now, back to the present day.] handled themselves on Sunday, [Against a Green Bay team that basically gave the game away by 1. refusing to cover any of the Giants' receivers, instead, trying to beat them up at the line and then letting them run downfield uncovered and 2. letting Brett Favre play in the second half and in overtime. By the way, two stats for you. The Giants were 6 for 16 on third downs. The Packers? Ready for this. Remember, they are at home, playing in their weather, against a team they've already beaten. Green Bay on third down...1 for 10. That is beyond pathetic. You could look at those two stats and know who won the game. The fact that it even went to overtime is mind-boggling. How did the Giants not win this game 28-0. How did the Packers score 20 points? I'll tell you. TD #1 was on a 90 yard bomb when the Giants DB's forgot how to tackle and how to push a guy out of bounds! TD #2 was the result of a gift personal foul penalty that kept a drive alive. Basically, the Packers took themselves out of this game and Eli Manning, to his credit, didn't play like Brett Favre.] I have the same hunch. [That I had...IN 1968! I think a lot of people had hunches forty years ago and its probably a good thing that they've been left un-acted-upon.] The mental toughness [That the Pats lack? This is a great technique for picking a game and for defending yourself. Choose a completely intangible quality, one that cannot be supported by information or logical analysis, and use this as your crutch. The Giants will win because they are "mentally tough." What does this even mean?] is unmistakable. I'm playing the hunch this time. [To right the wrong of forty years ago when I was the only guy who had a feeling that the Jets would win and refused to act upon it. Please.]

I'm Done!

No more sports handicapping for me, people. I done messed up! The Pats wouldn't go for the late TD to give BD the cover and the Pack, well, I should have known better than to trust Favre to take care of the ball. At home!

The most telling stat, as I see it, from Sunday's Pats/Chargers tilt is that the Bolts were 3 of 12 on third down. I can't add, heck, I can't use intelligible English or control my bowels, but I know that that is 25% and that won't get in done in the playoffs. A lot of people have been tough on the Pats D as they seem to think that giving up yards or "big plays" is somehow more important that giving up points. The bottom line is that the Pats gave up only four field goals to a team that put 28 on the Colts, at Indy, against a team that lots of people claimed was the best D in the game. The Pats D, as usual, did what it needed to do, and then some, when everything was on the line. Granted, the Chargers were without a lot of their main weapons, but as BB would say, "it is what it is." The D stepped up when it counted most. And stepped up uge.

On a side note, I have two questions:

Question #1

(First, the preface to the question)

On Saturday night, the Knicks played the Heat in Miami. The game, I will assume, started at 8pm. I think we can also assume that the temps were some where in the 60's or 70's. And, let's remember, we are in Miami. The Knicks were 12-27 going in to that game and the Heat were 8-30. That, again, I'm a baby, not a mathematician, is a combined record of 20-57. The official attendance was a sellout. Which I think was a total lie. That would mean, if we assume the Heat are not lying, which they probably are, that 19,600 people went to that game.

The Question: Why in the name of god would anyone go, let alone pay money to attend, a game between these two teams? What possible reason could one have for this colossal waste of time?

[Imaginary Conversation:

Dude from Miami Who has Tickets to Heat-Knicks Game: Hey, BD, you wanna go to the Heat-Knicks game?

BD: (silence)

Dude: So, uh, you wanna go?

BD: (glares at Dude, shakes head in disbelief, and walks away, shaking head in disbelief)]

Question #2

Will someone please explain to me how and why the following three people still have the jobs that they currently have?

1. Matt Millen

2. Joe Morgan

3. Isiah Thomas

Championship Weekend

Ey, ya'll. I'm still recoverin' from gettin' a few shots on Friday. Run of the mill stuff, you know. Weighed in at 20 point 5. I feel good. I'm up to a deuce. Despite the fact that last week's picks were about as bad as stage one green beans, I am undaunted and am back for more. Like Eazy-E, "I keep bailin'." Here we go.

New York Giants @ Green Bay (-7 1/2)

I've been bangin' out the stats for the last few weeks and where has that gotten me? My college fund is in the can! No, not really. BD only plays the spreads for "entertainment purposes" and only wagers "units," not American currency. Since the stats aren't helpin' me, this week I'm going with my gut. And my gut is telling me to take the Pack to blow this one open late. My gut, by the way, is currently filled with sweet potatoes and peas. Mmmm. Back to the task at hand. The Giants have been lookin' good, but I think they'll run out of gas this weekend in Green Bay. This is a game that I see being close throughout the first half, and then the Packers blow it open in the third. Coughlin will be back, and Eli's gotten some of the naysayers off his back, but it all ends this week. Green Bay 34, New York 24

San Diego @ New England (-14)

I can't stand the Chargers. San Di-e-go, Poopy Chargers! If Rivers and Gates don't play, and if LT is more hurt than he's letting on (I think he's a bit more banged up that he will admit, even though you all know that he's a classy guy), the Bolts are in even more trouble than they would have been in to begin. Now, some people might say, wait, BD, didn't the Pats have trouble against some less than stellar QB's? (A.J. Feely? Kyle Boller?) Doesn't matter. The Colts were too arrogant and Tony Dungy proved (by not kicking a field goal to cut the lead to one with three time outs, four minutes left, the two minute warning, a Hall of Fame quarterback, and the most clutch kicker in the history of the NFL...do you see where this is going? could this be one of the more blatant screw-ups in recent years?) that he just can't get it done regularly in the post-season. Basically, the Colts let the Chargers win that game because they didn't think they could lose. As a side note, as great as Peyton Manning is, he's 7-7 in the playoffs. Brady is 13-2! Henceforth and thusly, the Pats will open the can early and often, giving themselves quite a margin for error. Basically, this one will be the opposite of the NFC Champ. New England 38, San Diego 21.

Pourin' Tha Haterade

Worst Books I Have Ever Read (Vicariously, Of Course)

1. Caucasia (Danzy "No really, this book is serious. Trust me. It's about race!" Senna)

2. A Yellow Raft in Blue Water (Michael "The Hack" Dorris)

My reaction to both is the same as my physical response to being bounced on the knee too much after a bottle. Or, like when I eat a lot of prunes. Actually, my reaction would be the devastating simultaneous combo of the aforementioned.

B. D.'s Q. P. B.'ler o. t. W.*

*Baby Donovan's Questionable Pro-Bowler of the Week: Roy Williams, SS, Dallas Cowboys

So I'm chillin' with the old man catchin' this weekends pro-football action when a thought occurs to me: could Roy Williams cover my grandmother? Then I thought, that probably isn't a good question because my grandmother is in pretty good shape. I kept thinking of appropriate questions that would challenge Roy Williams' place as a supposed Pro-Bowler when I though of the following: could Roy Williams cover an NFL-caliber wide receiver? Answer, no. Then I said to my baby self, wouldn't it be better to judge Roy Williams status by asking him to do something that a strong safety should be able to do, which is tackle people. If one (that one being me, friends) were to make that determination based on Sunday's game with the Giants, then the answer to the question of whether or not Roy Williams can make a tackle on an NFL caliber wide receiver in the biggest game of the season when it is imperative that you, the SAFETY!, prevent people from scoring is no. 

Roy Williams stat line from Sunday's game against the Giants: Tackles 1, Solo 1, Assists, 0, Passes Defensed, 0, Forced Fumbles, 0, Interceptions, 0, Sacks 0, Missed Tackles That I Counted, 2, Missed Tackles That Lead Directly to Giants' Scores, 1. He had one tackle. In a playoff game. At home. And he's going to the Pro Bowl. LaRon Landry, a rookie, had 5 tackles, all solo, 4 passes defensed, and 2 interceptions in a playoff game, on the road. He also had three more tackles that Williams on the season.

So, you Roy Williams (who seems like a pretty nice guy, by the way), are the inagural winner of the BDQPBotW. Congratulations. We'll be expecting a check for twenty-dollars as our reward for bestowing such an honor upon you. Your welcome! Have a great offseason! 'Cause your team lost. In the playoffs. At home. As a number one seed. After a bye week. The first time this has ever happened in the NFC. Well done.

Diamonds and Wood

The Wood (the bad)

This list may very well be extensive as hell.

1. This man.

Thankfully, he'll coach no more this year. There was more crying from he and Romo than when I have wait for a bottle. Don't celebrate when a challenge upholds a call that was already made to your advantage. That's like me getting pumped because I've moved on to mushed veggies. It's part of the game chief, that's where you ought to be. Don't get excited about doing what you're supposed to do.

2. This pseudo man.

The amount of buffoonery from Wade-ster was exceeded only by that of Mr. Rivers. Getting into it with the fans, complaining to refs, confused as to whether he should decline a penalty and take 2nd and 2 or take the penalty and get 1st and 10. Getting married and having a child, WHILE HE WAS IN COLLEGE! Nice decision making! Sunday fantasy: Rodney Harrison's forearm makes contact at a high rate of speed with P. River's lower back.

3. The Colts' Fans

They booed a 13 year-old girl who was representing the Patriots for the Punt, Pass, and Kick contest. That, my friends, is why the Colts lost. If she were a true Masshole, she would have flipped them off while saying, "Hey, guy, get bent!"

4. Tony Romo

Like Philip Rivers, he doesn't seem too familiar with the rules and regulations of professional football. Complaining to the refs about a pass interference play when you just got flagged for illegal formation? Homeslice, that negates whatever happened during the play unless it benefits the defense or if there is a personal foul.

Diamonds (the good)

1. Not my picks. Holy filled-up-diaper was I wrong. They were so bad I didn't even post them.

2. Sr.'s Brady, Rivers (what a D-Bag , by D-Bag I mean Diaper Bag!), Favruh, Manning (E), and Brady. Again. These guys were a combined 70/88 for 842 yards 11 TD's and 1 INT. Yipes.

3. L. Maroney and R. Grant who tore it up for a combined 323.

[As a sidenote, TO is crying right now during his press conference. In the words of my unck, "he has the emotional stability of a twelve-year-old boy."]

If You Would Like to Win Money...

...then you should get your picks elsewhere! Aaaa! Haaa! Haaa! Aw man. Whooo. Seriously. No, for real. Let's do this.

Seattle @ Green Bay (-7.5)
Snifffff? Snifffff? I smell somethins. Wait, it ain't my diaper soooo it must be an upset! Or some of that stanky limburger they make in Cheese-ville. I like the 'Hawks not only to cover, but to win this bad boy straight up. Or, do I like a Bad Boy straight up? Hmmm. Back to the picks. I like a few things about Seattle in this game: 1. they have some playoff tested players, particularly Hasselbeck 2. their defense is stingy (they tied for 6th in the league in points allowed) and 3. I got a feeling in my gut (hold up....nah, just a little gas). Nevermind number three. Anyway, Green Bay's team, particularly the skill players, are young and I don't know how they'll hold up in the face of playoff, and Seattle defensive, pressure. I know the Pack are at home, and I know that Favre has been his pre-Vicodin self, but I think that Seattle has a QB who won't make mistakes and a coach who'll call a good game. And so, Seattle 21, Green Bay 10. (Apologies to all my Beloit College peeps out there.)

Jacksonville @ New England (-13)
I'll get this one out of the way now. The Pats are going to cover this one. The bottom line is that the Jags won't be able to keep up with New England offensively and they'll have to start chucking it around, which is exactly what they don't want to do. Jax didn't impress me too much last week, and Garrard threw some passes that were as aimless as my visual focus was at about three weeks. Three weeks OLD! I'm a baby. Ok, got that out. Stay with me people. Now, there is a bit of a conflict of interest here as my old man was in the same freshman English class as Fred Taylor during his freshman year at the University of Florida. Freddy T and his homies also chucked eggs at my dad during Halloween of '94. Henceforth, New England 34, Jacksonville 13.

Enjoy the games amigos. I'll holler at ya'll on Saturday with predictions for Sunday. I'm a little sleepy. I think I..............

To Matthew, A Haiku

Hey everybody. Yo, Jerome, let's slow this thing down for a bit. Aaaaright. There we go. Junebug, ease up off that bass a lil'. Mmmm. Nice. We gonna get serious here for a bit people, slow it down a lil', and talk about my Uncle Matty D. He got a visit from ol' Mr. Inflamed Appendix and had to get that bad boy out. Thank you. Thank you. You're a good crowd. But he's doin' alright, kickin' back in the hospital bed, takin' it easy. Thanks. Ya know, this brings me back about six months to my own emergence into this world, and my first encounter with a hospital, and all that funky stuff. So, before we get on outta here, I wanna throw this one out to my Unc. Keep ya head up, and reach for the stars!

Appendix is gone.

What good was it anyway?

Better off without.

On Robert Sanders

First, so sue me! I went 3-1 straight up on the Wild Card picks, and 2-2 against the number (of the beast!). Yowsers.

Bob Sanders was named NFL Defensive Player of the Year today. Explain this to me. This seems like the quintessential (just picked this word up!) case of a player getting an award because TV analysts slobber over him. People think Bob Sanders is great, but couldn't tell you anything substantive that actually proves that he is as good as people claim. Basically, where are the stats to prove that he, according to the award, is the best defensive player in the game. We can get into the "most valuable" argument, but I would argue that there are other players that are more indispensable to their teams. Here's the stat breakdown on Sanders, a strong safety: tied for 42nd in the league in tackles with 96 (which ties him for second among SS's, and puts him six ahead of Bernard Pollard, who?...exactly), he had 8 passes defensed, 2 interceptions and no forced fumbles. He also rang up 3.5 sacks. I really don't get this it all. The Colts were number one in the league in points per game, but do you think that Bob Sanders was more responsible for that (the Colts giving up 16.4 ppg) than say, Vrabel was in the Pats giving up 17.1 per game, or than Barrett Ruud or Derrick Brooks were for the Bucs, or than Gary Brackett was for the same Colts? I'm not saying that I don't think he's good, I just would like to know what the argument was, statistically, tangibly, for his being chosen. Can someone do this for me?

Oh, I pooped today.

Peace.

On My Mind

Favorite Coaches of All-Time:

1. Steve Spurrier

2. Urban Meyer

3. Jimmy Johnson

4. Belichick

5. Ya momma! (Ha!)

No wait, I'm just jokin'. My momma!

NFL Picks Part 2

First, the Seahawks are falling apart, people. Wow.

New York Giants @ Tampa Bay (-3)

Maaaan. This is a toughie for a number of reasons. One, I can't stand Coughlin. He's a freakin' buffoon. Wade Philips is a boob, Coughlin is a doof. Two, neither of these teams really impresses me all that much. I have to make a call here though, and here's what I'm going with. My whole thing with the NFL is that wins come down two things: QB's and coaches. In this case, the advantage goes to the Bucs.  I like Garcia at home and I think Eli will be what he is: the player you saw in the fourth quarter against the Pats. Thus, Tampa Bay 24, Giants 20.

LaRon Landry takin' charge. Hm.

Tennessee @ San Diego (-10)

Yikes. This one could gut butt ugly real fast. Vince Young is hurt, the Chargers are playing pretty well. Buuut, the Titans defense can cause you some problemas. Like the combination of prunes and apples. That's another story. I despise the Chargers. Really. I think Philip Rivers will be exposed again at some point as nothing more than a mid-level NFL QB. In this game, I think the Charger's offense (LT, specifically) just has too much firepower. The Titans defense might keep them in it, but they won't be able to keep up with the scoring. Hence, San Diego 34 (with the cover), Tennesse 17.

Enjoy.

Just Ta Let Cha Know!

Alright, homies. I've been rockin' this thing for a bit now, but I haven't said too much about me. Here's a little about the mind that moves the fingers that rocks the MacBook keyboard. Now don't get too distressed about the most important aspect of who I am: a baby. That's right I might be a few weeks short of six months, but I still stay up on the world of college and pro-football, mostly through conversations with my old man, occasionally by reading the work of the esteemed Phil Steele. I also like to exercise my Constitutional rights (this is for you Screamin' A!) to comment on other stuff that's givin' me a little of the ol' diaper rash, if you know what I mean. 

Anyway, you might be askin' yourself, what is an "ombudsman"? Well, playboy, look it up. Basically, I point out the foolishness and the wrongdoing in the world of sports, and also in the world of sports commentary and analysis. At the same time, I'll give you a little of my own insight (you're welcome) so that you can make informed, for "entertainment purposes only" decisions. 

This isn't going to be one of those typical "baby blogs." I'm not gonna talk about what mushed veggie I started eating, or whether or not I can sit up on my own for more than ten seconds. If you want that jive, there's plenty out there. This is all about holding people accountable in the world of sports. It just so happens that I'm a baby. Don't judge me on that. Roll with me for a bit, it'll be a good time.

"I've ripped many places, on a regular basis."

- Big Daddy Kane

Baby Donovan's Divisional Playoff Picks: Saturday

Washington @ Seattle (-3)

For the win, I like the Seahawks here. I also, for entertainment purposes, like them to cover. They seem to find ways to win at home in the postseason. That homefield is a huge advantage for them, and Hassleback has been one of the more underrated QB's this year, completing 62% and throwing 28 TD's to 12 picks. The 'Skins are playing on emotion and I think that heading to Seattle and playing in that environment is going to drain them a bit. Seattle 17, Washington 10.

Jacksonville (-3) @ Pittsburgh

Eeeeevrybody's picking the Jags in this one, for good reason. They won already at Heinz field, they have an awesome running game (second in total yards and fifth in yards per attempt), and they've got a QB who doesn't make mistakes (Garrard has 18 TD's to only 3 INT's). Nobody likes the Steelers and think they are ripe for the picking. I'm not to sure about that. Pittsburgh is at home, Polamalu will probably play, although his effectiveness might be limited, and they are going to be fired up knowing that no one is giving them a chance. I like Big Ben in the playoffs, and I like him this year. That being said... Jacksonville 27, Pittsburgh 20

Tomorrow: Sunday's Picks

Huh...

In his January 3 TMQ column on ESPN Page 2, Easterbrook claims the following (by the way, his argument is that the Patriots should be concerned as "pass wacky" teams don't win the Super Bowl: "Pass defense requires mental discipline and concentration; pass defenders might tend to slack off a bit in the regular season but bear down in the playoffs, when there's no tomorrow. When the Steelers played the Patriots this year, Pittsburgh used a backed-off, almost careless coverage and seemed to shrug about the whole thing, as if thinking, "So we lose to New England today, so what, we're back in business next week." Nobody thinks that way in the playoffs."

There are a number of issues that I have with this.

1. He basically claims that the Steelers did not care whether they won or lost the game, which is hard to believe on many levels. For a moment, ignore the issue of individual and team pride. Consider the fact that the Steelers were still locked in a pretty good battle with the Browns for the North title at the time and had at least that reason to want to win. Conceivably, the Browns could have won the division.

2. This argument basically frees the Steelers from all blame for the loss (beating a team that would eventually go undefeated meant nothing to them, while it mattered tremendously to the Eagles, Ravens, and Giants, among others) and takes away any praise from the Patriots (they were playing against a team that had, in effect, given up, so the win was sort of hollow).

3. In week 15, the Steelers were 9-5, the Browns 9-5 (Pittsburgh won the series), Jacksonville was 10-4, San Diego 9-5, and the Titans were 8-6. By Easterbrook's logic, the Steelers knew in week 13 that they would eventually clinch a playoff birth and were thus already tanking games.

4. It's just stupid.

The Book

on Hawai'i football (based upon my intense viewing of their first two offensive series and first defensive series):

1. Gimmicky...when it comes to playing teams who can compete with them physically. Georgia was bigger, stronger, and faster and it showed. Hawai'i can't run around and away from guys that are huge and who are just as fast as they are. If UH were playing a team of big lugs, then their offensive schemes and team speed would work.

2. Hawai'i does fine when they are playing WAC teams who, like they, are made up of kids who otherwise wouldn't be playing at places like Georgia. They can't compete against teams like Georgia that are made up of kids who end up at Georgia.