NBA Post-Season Awards

The All-I- Can't- Stand- To- Even- Watch- These- Guys- Play Team (Because they're so aesthetically offensive.)

Criteria for selection:

1. Have a borderline offensive hairstyle. The kind of hair that makes people upset to see. Preferably, hair that moves around a lot while you're on the court. Also, hair that makes you look like you're working harder than you really are.

2. Have a name or face (preferably both) that could easily get you cast as the villain in a "Die Hard" or Steven Segal movie. 

3. Have some aspect of your game that is just flat out annoying to watch. Flail around a lot. Flop in order to get charging calls. Or otherwise be a dirty s.o.b.

4. Play for a team that is either overrated or that is a tease.

5. For the love of god, be foreign.

This year's All-Stars are:

C Dirk "Irk" Nowitzki, Dallas 

Dirk is really the MVP of this team. He's a really good offensive player, but he's hard to root for because of the ways that he meets the above criteria. He is the ultimate flailer, his hair..., and he would obviously play the really tall henchman to someone named Gerhardt who has just hijacked a cruise ship on which Segal and his wife are taking their honeymoon. And by the way, this guy has no idea about how to celebrate.

F Zaza "Patchouli" Pachulia, Atlanta

This guy promises to be a perennial member of this team. He's got the dangerous Croatian (I know, he's Georgian) mafia stubble, along with the slimy looking hair. Also, he's a whiner and he's dirty as a bastard. His character wouldn't even need a name. He'd just play himself. 

Albanian arms dealer: "You meet my price, or you pay!"

Willis/ Segal/ Van Damme: "What the hell are you talking about."

Albanian arms dealer: "Zaza, show him we mean business."

F Anderson "Sideshow Bob/ Mel" Varejao, Cleveland

While Dirk might be the MVP, this guy might just be the most annoying. What does he do, exactly, besides flop whenever an opposing player gets within ten feet of him? His hair is the standard by which candidates for this team are judged.

*You may notice that there are only three members of the team, rather than the typical five. This is intentional. There is no way that five guys like this could every play on the same team as such a combination of facial hair, flopping, and Eastern European mafia connections would cause the planet to collapse on itself.