And Thus, the MIAA Hath Been Ex-Po-Sed...

...as an extremely questionable championship managing authority when stuff like this can happen. This from the same MIAA whose football "champion" is decided by a four team "playoff." Yep, totally legit.

What did I tell you!/NBA Part Deuce

Ben Wallace, in his first game with the Cavs: 12 points and 10 rebounds. This from a guy averaging 5.2 and 8.8 up to that point. Whaaaaah, I'm on a "contender" now! Whaaaaah, now I'm happy! More gee dee cryin' than when I don't take my afternoon nap. According to LeBron, Wallace was "rejuvenated". Give me a break. I guess anybody could get his mojo back playin' the Grizzlewizzles. Listen, chief, you're makin'  $15. 5 mil after having gone to Virginia Frickin' Union. Suck it up. 

Drunkle Matty: Exciting and New!

What’s up crackerjacks? I’m very excited to be posting alongside my nephew or D-money as we call that little piece of calamari out here on the west coast. I appreciate the warm welcome and D’s promise that we would break into his fathers bourbon stash (for a baby he has great taste) next time I am back in the central Mass. Let me just pop open a new brew, turn on the celts and we can get this show on the road.

So I just got the NBA ticket as a valentine’s Day gift from my lady friend.... by the way ladies, always a good gift... and it is great because not only can I watch any NBA game I would like but when watching the Celtics, I always get the home team feed.. It is amazing!!! The local commercials are priceless. Right now my 2 favorite on the Portland feed are the Joe’s sporting goods store... think Dick’s but on a lower budget... and some weird Casino (Spirit Mountain Casino... It was just on again... better the 2nd time) which takes a page out of Foxwoods book with a catchy little jingle but half the class.

On a side note: Saw a commercial for the WWF. Not the Wrestling. The World Wildlife Federation. Sharon Lawrence was trying to get me to give some money to save the polar bears. Really? You want me to save polar bears? Why? If they die off what is the worst that happens? I don’t have an excuse not to go Canada anymore?!? Ask me for money when chickens are dying off. At least they are delicious.

Now the Portland programming is great but nothing can compete with the Denver feed.

Why? The hilarious commercials, Matty?

Wrong reader.
It’s the announcing crew of Chris "I stole my name from Shakespear’s nemesis" Marlow and, the man that has changed my life forever, Scott Hastings. Lets just start off by saying they are not well informed and I am petty sure Marlow has never watched an Eastern Conference team play. Now, I could talk about them all night but I only have a half a bottle of Jamison left and will need to hit the LQ before the night is out. So my focus will be on favorite quote from Mr. Hastings when he was describing Paul Pierce being slow footed.

"He moves like a water buffalo through the rice patties..."

WHAT??? That should not be used to describe anything... unless of course you describing a water buffalo moving through rice patties. Is he from southeastern Asia??? Was he in Nam??? And I loved how he said THE rice patties. As if there is only one group of patties and you know exactly the ones he is speaking of. Also it implies that a water buffalo moves slower through THE rice patties than other animals. Would a pig make better work of it? How about a tiger? A polar bear? (Although I don’t think that will help their numbers) How about you Scott Hastings??? I would love to see Hastings struggling through the waste high water while Chris Marlow gives inaccurate play-by-play.

Okay Chums, that’s my time. I will see you next Sunday when I will have some fresh ideas and a fresh six-pack.

Uhhhh, what?

The Bears just re-signed Rex Grossman.

Uhhh, what?

Now, I understand that NFL contracts are as worthless as the paper they're printed on, and that all that matters is the signing bonus, but Rex Grossman? Again.

The line on "Sexy" Rexy's career: completion %: 54 (Michael Vick-esque, actually, worse than the Atomic Dog), rating: 70.9 (Hmmm, somethin' smells in here. My diaper? No. Rex Grossman's career passer rating? Yeppers.), TD's to INT's 31/33 (Well now lookee here. Ol' Rexy chucks it to the guys in the other colored jersey's more than he does to the guys with the GSH on the sleeve. That merits a new contract in my world. Compare this to my TD to INT numbers: 0/0.)

Basically, Rex can't do the things that QB's are supposed to do and does all the things that QB's shouldn't, and for that, welcome back to the Bears!

Major Announcement!

I am pumped! The FCO will now have a new weekly feature, a guest column every Sunday from my uncle Matty. This will be good because he's going to provide some solid insight and rational analysis of all things sports related! He can be trusted to give coherent commentary, with a bit of the ol' humor, that everyone will enjoy! 

Fraud of the Week (FotW): Erik Kuselias

Congratulations, Mr. Kuselias of ESPN Radio "fame"! You are the winner of the inaugural FCO FotW Award for excellence in saying things that make no sense. 

(By the way, doesn't this photo already say, "I'm proud to be the FCO FotW!")

Your accomplishment, defending Kelvin "Rollover Minutes" Sampson by claiming that "It isn't like he's paying kids." Ah, what an insightful and coherent commentary that is obviously based on thoughtful consideration and objectivity. Well said. This coming from a lawyer. I don't think he's ever mentioned that on air before, but he's a lawyer in case you've never heard him say that about himself on the air. He's a lawyer.

Yes, you are right regarding Mr. Sampson, he hasn't (that we know of) paid kids off. All that he's done is cheat at two different schools and make 577 over the limit phone calls to recruits. Let's take a close look at that number, 577. Perhaps the sheer absurdity of it will be revealed if we spell it out: five hundred and seventy seven. Yep, that's a lot. But this is far better than "paying kids." Breaking a rule FIVE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY SEVEN times is excusable because there is no money involved. Hmmmm. Who ultimately suffers when coaches cheat? Coaches? Nope. Case in point, "No Roaming Fee" Sampson got $750,000 to sit on his keister for the rest of the year. What do the players get? Hmmm. A free upgrade to an iPhone? Nope. They end up getting screwed because they are the ones that have to deal with probation. Matter of fact. Some kids three years down the line will probably end up having to deal with the NCAA sanctions while K. Samp is coaching at some bottom tier Sun Belt school making six-figures and having gotten SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND dollars to leave a job where he cheated. 

So, here's to you Erik Kuselias, because its not like he's paying kids.

T. Doherty Tribute NBA Post

There is a situation brewing. On the horizon is the quintessential tank-job revealed. Case in point: Ben Wallace has just been traded to the Cavs. Here is a brief look at his stats from this year. A word of caution, these numbers are vomit inducing considering that his salary this year is $15, 500, 000.

FG %: .373 (Uggggh, I'm feelin' queasy.) Rebs: 8.8 (Bluuuurp. This from a guy who literally is supposed to do two things: 1. rebound and 2. block shots) Blocks: 1.60 (Bleeeeearrrrrrrrrrgh.) Pts. 5.1 (Uhh. Uhhh. Ok. I'm alright.)

Now. Let me wipe the puke from the bib. If these numbers should miraculously increase now that he is on a "contender," we will have seen a tank-job of Mark Blount-esque proportions. By the way. Has there been a more overrated player over the last five years than Ben Wallace? Dennis Rodman's stats over a career, for comparison: FG% .521, FT% .584, Rebs: 13.1. 

Peace!

Proposed NFL Rule Changes

Dear Roger Goodell,

Over the past few seasons (actually, over the past season as I have only been alive and, only marginally aware at that, for the 2007 edition) there have been a number of issues regarding on-field play that have been of concern to me (or, more specifically, to my father who, occasionally, uses my blog as a forum in which to air his grievances). I have been dismayed with some of the antics of NFL players over the past season. There are two areas, discussed below, that have been of particular concern to me. Thus, in the interest of making the game more appealing to me, the viewer, and for the good of the league in general, please consider the rules changes proposed below. You may notice that quite a few of these changes involve the enforcement of penalties. I, and others, believe that the only way to correct such grave problems with the NFL is to inflict harsh penalties on the field that will discourage such future behaviors amongst players.

Problem: Defenders picking up the ball and running towards the end zone as though having recovered a fumble when the play has obviously been ruled dead or when there is no chance in hell that the pass was actually caught

This has become more and more typical in any NFL game. Often, there will be multiple occurrences of this in a single contest. A defensive player will pick up a ball that has lay on the field for multiple seconds after the whistle has blown and will proceed towards the end zone with said ball while looking backwards as if to say, "It's a fumble right? No, I know it isn't. Is it?" This behavior is utter horse poop.

Solution: 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty

Problem: Receivers, and sometimes defensive backs, urging officials to call a pass interference penalty by miming the motion of drawing a flag from the waistband and throwing it.

This happens literally (I've counted) after every incomplete pass. You might not think it happens every time but that is exactly the evidence you need to know that it happens every time. It happens so often you don't even notice it! This has got to stop. Let the officials do their jobs. Or, let them screw up their jobs. 

Solution: 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty AND loss of down.

I'm sure that after due consideration you will find that these rules changes will make the NFL as a product better than it already is.

Sincerely (and "you're welcome"!),

The Full Contact Ombudsman

If You Work Out Like These Guys Do Then You Best Take Some Steroids

There is only one piece of evidence you need to come to the conclusion that Roger Clemens did take steroids/HGH. Look carefully at the "workout" footage ESPN keeps showing. You know what I mean, the clips of Roger "training" with McNamee. Basically, there is no way in hell that the "workout" he's doing would prepare anyone for playing pro ball. Here is the workout regimen ESPN shows and here's the problema:

Exercise 1: Gingerly stepping laterally, jogging backwards, and catching a football.

Problems
1. Sweat factor = 0.
2. Catching a football (that has been lightly tossed, by the way) trains you for what baseball skill exactly? Maybe for that part of a baseball game where players have to catch a football?

Exercise #2: Catching a baseball that is bounced to you while, hold up, gingerly stepping laterally.

Problems
1. Sweat factor = 0.
2. It's stupid.

Exercise #3: Squats.

Problems
1. Roger Clemens weight: 220
2. Amount of weight he was squatting in these clips: 150

Exercise #4: Light jogging with Andy Pettite

Problems
1. You're wearing a baseball cap
2. and a jacket
3. while jogging.
4. You look like a fool.
5. And you are jogging lightly, which prepares you for the part of playing pitcher where you have to do light jogging. When you are coming out to the mound.

Residuals

Aww, maaaaan. So my old man is puttin' on my onesie, gettin' me ready for bed. He gives me the blue Patriots job and, you know what starts happenin'? I start cryin'! Uncontrollably. I just couldn't deal with it. I though I was done. But, no. Eventually I pulled myself together with thoughts of the soon-to-come bottle. For a second there, though, I lost it.

Movin' Along

No, this isn't about what happens to my dinner after I've eaten the prunes. This is about the post-Super Bowl hangover that is afflicting all of Massachusetts. It is over! You know why? Because its Pro Bowl weekend which, in this household, means the end of the 2007 season. No more drivin'. No more cryin'. What? The Pats lost the Es Bee? Don't remember. That was last year. The Giants? Did what? When? Eli who? Never heard of 'em? Now that we can begin lookin' ahead to next year, I'll give you a few of my predictions for the '08 campaign. And, like all the so-called prognosticators and analyzizers on the networks, I'm pullin' this stuff straight outta the Diaper Genie.

1. Laurence Maroney will be a Pro-Bowler.

2. Asante Samuel will be a Patriot.

Peace!

Giggles and Poops: Super Bowl Edition

Poops

To me, for pickin' the Pats! Oopsie. Baby's bet fall down go boom!

Poops

To David Tyree, for attributing his drive saving catch to "God." Listen Dave, everybody knows that God roots for the following teams, in order: 1. the Gators 2. whoever is playing Tennessee or Georgia. Please.

Giggles

None. They don't exist today. Awright.

Uhhhhhhhhhh...double ear infection...and Super Bowl pick.

Huuuuuunh...Pats 37, nnnnnnnnnnnnnnh... Giants 10.

Mmmmph...Brady will get the MVP, but either, hold up...................................ok, but somebody else will have MVP worthy stats, like maybe Stallworth or Welker.

Peace.