T. Doherty Tribute NBA Post

There is a situation brewing. On the horizon is the quintessential tank-job revealed. Case in point: Ben Wallace has just been traded to the Cavs. Here is a brief look at his stats from this year. A word of caution, these numbers are vomit inducing considering that his salary this year is $15, 500, 000.

FG %: .373 (Uggggh, I'm feelin' queasy.) Rebs: 8.8 (Bluuuurp. This from a guy who literally is supposed to do two things: 1. rebound and 2. block shots) Blocks: 1.60 (Bleeeeearrrrrrrrrrgh.) Pts. 5.1 (Uhh. Uhhh. Ok. I'm alright.)

Now. Let me wipe the puke from the bib. If these numbers should miraculously increase now that he is on a "contender," we will have seen a tank-job of Mark Blount-esque proportions. By the way. Has there been a more overrated player over the last five years than Ben Wallace? Dennis Rodman's stats over a career, for comparison: FG% .521, FT% .584, Rebs: 13.1. 

Peace!

Proposed NFL Rule Changes

Dear Roger Goodell,

Over the past few seasons (actually, over the past season as I have only been alive and, only marginally aware at that, for the 2007 edition) there have been a number of issues regarding on-field play that have been of concern to me (or, more specifically, to my father who, occasionally, uses my blog as a forum in which to air his grievances). I have been dismayed with some of the antics of NFL players over the past season. There are two areas, discussed below, that have been of particular concern to me. Thus, in the interest of making the game more appealing to me, the viewer, and for the good of the league in general, please consider the rules changes proposed below. You may notice that quite a few of these changes involve the enforcement of penalties. I, and others, believe that the only way to correct such grave problems with the NFL is to inflict harsh penalties on the field that will discourage such future behaviors amongst players.

Problem: Defenders picking up the ball and running towards the end zone as though having recovered a fumble when the play has obviously been ruled dead or when there is no chance in hell that the pass was actually caught

This has become more and more typical in any NFL game. Often, there will be multiple occurrences of this in a single contest. A defensive player will pick up a ball that has lay on the field for multiple seconds after the whistle has blown and will proceed towards the end zone with said ball while looking backwards as if to say, "It's a fumble right? No, I know it isn't. Is it?" This behavior is utter horse poop.

Solution: 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty

Problem: Receivers, and sometimes defensive backs, urging officials to call a pass interference penalty by miming the motion of drawing a flag from the waistband and throwing it.

This happens literally (I've counted) after every incomplete pass. You might not think it happens every time but that is exactly the evidence you need to know that it happens every time. It happens so often you don't even notice it! This has got to stop. Let the officials do their jobs. Or, let them screw up their jobs. 

Solution: 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty AND loss of down.

I'm sure that after due consideration you will find that these rules changes will make the NFL as a product better than it already is.

Sincerely (and "you're welcome"!),

The Full Contact Ombudsman

If You Work Out Like These Guys Do Then You Best Take Some Steroids

There is only one piece of evidence you need to come to the conclusion that Roger Clemens did take steroids/HGH. Look carefully at the "workout" footage ESPN keeps showing. You know what I mean, the clips of Roger "training" with McNamee. Basically, there is no way in hell that the "workout" he's doing would prepare anyone for playing pro ball. Here is the workout regimen ESPN shows and here's the problema:

Exercise 1: Gingerly stepping laterally, jogging backwards, and catching a football.

Problems
1. Sweat factor = 0.
2. Catching a football (that has been lightly tossed, by the way) trains you for what baseball skill exactly? Maybe for that part of a baseball game where players have to catch a football?

Exercise #2: Catching a baseball that is bounced to you while, hold up, gingerly stepping laterally.

Problems
1. Sweat factor = 0.
2. It's stupid.

Exercise #3: Squats.

Problems
1. Roger Clemens weight: 220
2. Amount of weight he was squatting in these clips: 150

Exercise #4: Light jogging with Andy Pettite

Problems
1. You're wearing a baseball cap
2. and a jacket
3. while jogging.
4. You look like a fool.
5. And you are jogging lightly, which prepares you for the part of playing pitcher where you have to do light jogging. When you are coming out to the mound.

Residuals

Aww, maaaaan. So my old man is puttin' on my onesie, gettin' me ready for bed. He gives me the blue Patriots job and, you know what starts happenin'? I start cryin'! Uncontrollably. I just couldn't deal with it. I though I was done. But, no. Eventually I pulled myself together with thoughts of the soon-to-come bottle. For a second there, though, I lost it.

Movin' Along

No, this isn't about what happens to my dinner after I've eaten the prunes. This is about the post-Super Bowl hangover that is afflicting all of Massachusetts. It is over! You know why? Because its Pro Bowl weekend which, in this household, means the end of the 2007 season. No more drivin'. No more cryin'. What? The Pats lost the Es Bee? Don't remember. That was last year. The Giants? Did what? When? Eli who? Never heard of 'em? Now that we can begin lookin' ahead to next year, I'll give you a few of my predictions for the '08 campaign. And, like all the so-called prognosticators and analyzizers on the networks, I'm pullin' this stuff straight outta the Diaper Genie.

1. Laurence Maroney will be a Pro-Bowler.

2. Asante Samuel will be a Patriot.

Peace!

Giggles and Poops: Super Bowl Edition

Poops

To me, for pickin' the Pats! Oopsie. Baby's bet fall down go boom!

Poops

To David Tyree, for attributing his drive saving catch to "God." Listen Dave, everybody knows that God roots for the following teams, in order: 1. the Gators 2. whoever is playing Tennessee or Georgia. Please.

Giggles

None. They don't exist today. Awright.

Uhhhhhhhhhh...double ear infection...and Super Bowl pick.

Huuuuuunh...Pats 37, nnnnnnnnnnnnnnh... Giants 10.

Mmmmph...Brady will get the MVP, but either, hold up...................................ok, but somebody else will have MVP worthy stats, like maybe Stallworth or Welker.

Peace.