And Thus, the MIAA Hath Been Ex-Po-Sed...

...as an extremely questionable championship managing authority when stuff like this can happen. This from the same MIAA whose football "champion" is decided by a four team "playoff." Yep, totally legit.

What did I tell you!/NBA Part Deuce

Ben Wallace, in his first game with the Cavs: 12 points and 10 rebounds. This from a guy averaging 5.2 and 8.8 up to that point. Whaaaaah, I'm on a "contender" now! Whaaaaah, now I'm happy! More gee dee cryin' than when I don't take my afternoon nap. According to LeBron, Wallace was "rejuvenated". Give me a break. I guess anybody could get his mojo back playin' the Grizzlewizzles. Listen, chief, you're makin'  $15. 5 mil after having gone to Virginia Frickin' Union. Suck it up. 

Drunkle Matty: Exciting and New!

What’s up crackerjacks? I’m very excited to be posting alongside my nephew or D-money as we call that little piece of calamari out here on the west coast. I appreciate the warm welcome and D’s promise that we would break into his fathers bourbon stash (for a baby he has great taste) next time I am back in the central Mass. Let me just pop open a new brew, turn on the celts and we can get this show on the road.

So I just got the NBA ticket as a valentine’s Day gift from my lady friend.... by the way ladies, always a good gift... and it is great because not only can I watch any NBA game I would like but when watching the Celtics, I always get the home team feed.. It is amazing!!! The local commercials are priceless. Right now my 2 favorite on the Portland feed are the Joe’s sporting goods store... think Dick’s but on a lower budget... and some weird Casino (Spirit Mountain Casino... It was just on again... better the 2nd time) which takes a page out of Foxwoods book with a catchy little jingle but half the class.

On a side note: Saw a commercial for the WWF. Not the Wrestling. The World Wildlife Federation. Sharon Lawrence was trying to get me to give some money to save the polar bears. Really? You want me to save polar bears? Why? If they die off what is the worst that happens? I don’t have an excuse not to go Canada anymore?!? Ask me for money when chickens are dying off. At least they are delicious.

Now the Portland programming is great but nothing can compete with the Denver feed.

Why? The hilarious commercials, Matty?

Wrong reader.
It’s the announcing crew of Chris "I stole my name from Shakespear’s nemesis" Marlow and, the man that has changed my life forever, Scott Hastings. Lets just start off by saying they are not well informed and I am petty sure Marlow has never watched an Eastern Conference team play. Now, I could talk about them all night but I only have a half a bottle of Jamison left and will need to hit the LQ before the night is out. So my focus will be on favorite quote from Mr. Hastings when he was describing Paul Pierce being slow footed.

"He moves like a water buffalo through the rice patties..."

WHAT??? That should not be used to describe anything... unless of course you describing a water buffalo moving through rice patties. Is he from southeastern Asia??? Was he in Nam??? And I loved how he said THE rice patties. As if there is only one group of patties and you know exactly the ones he is speaking of. Also it implies that a water buffalo moves slower through THE rice patties than other animals. Would a pig make better work of it? How about a tiger? A polar bear? (Although I don’t think that will help their numbers) How about you Scott Hastings??? I would love to see Hastings struggling through the waste high water while Chris Marlow gives inaccurate play-by-play.

Okay Chums, that’s my time. I will see you next Sunday when I will have some fresh ideas and a fresh six-pack.

Uhhhh, what?

The Bears just re-signed Rex Grossman.

Uhhh, what?

Now, I understand that NFL contracts are as worthless as the paper they're printed on, and that all that matters is the signing bonus, but Rex Grossman? Again.

The line on "Sexy" Rexy's career: completion %: 54 (Michael Vick-esque, actually, worse than the Atomic Dog), rating: 70.9 (Hmmm, somethin' smells in here. My diaper? No. Rex Grossman's career passer rating? Yeppers.), TD's to INT's 31/33 (Well now lookee here. Ol' Rexy chucks it to the guys in the other colored jersey's more than he does to the guys with the GSH on the sleeve. That merits a new contract in my world. Compare this to my TD to INT numbers: 0/0.)

Basically, Rex can't do the things that QB's are supposed to do and does all the things that QB's shouldn't, and for that, welcome back to the Bears!

Major Announcement!

I am pumped! The FCO will now have a new weekly feature, a guest column every Sunday from my uncle Matty. This will be good because he's going to provide some solid insight and rational analysis of all things sports related! He can be trusted to give coherent commentary, with a bit of the ol' humor, that everyone will enjoy! 

Fraud of the Week (FotW): Erik Kuselias

Congratulations, Mr. Kuselias of ESPN Radio "fame"! You are the winner of the inaugural FCO FotW Award for excellence in saying things that make no sense. 

(By the way, doesn't this photo already say, "I'm proud to be the FCO FotW!")

Your accomplishment, defending Kelvin "Rollover Minutes" Sampson by claiming that "It isn't like he's paying kids." Ah, what an insightful and coherent commentary that is obviously based on thoughtful consideration and objectivity. Well said. This coming from a lawyer. I don't think he's ever mentioned that on air before, but he's a lawyer in case you've never heard him say that about himself on the air. He's a lawyer.

Yes, you are right regarding Mr. Sampson, he hasn't (that we know of) paid kids off. All that he's done is cheat at two different schools and make 577 over the limit phone calls to recruits. Let's take a close look at that number, 577. Perhaps the sheer absurdity of it will be revealed if we spell it out: five hundred and seventy seven. Yep, that's a lot. But this is far better than "paying kids." Breaking a rule FIVE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY SEVEN times is excusable because there is no money involved. Hmmmm. Who ultimately suffers when coaches cheat? Coaches? Nope. Case in point, "No Roaming Fee" Sampson got $750,000 to sit on his keister for the rest of the year. What do the players get? Hmmm. A free upgrade to an iPhone? Nope. They end up getting screwed because they are the ones that have to deal with probation. Matter of fact. Some kids three years down the line will probably end up having to deal with the NCAA sanctions while K. Samp is coaching at some bottom tier Sun Belt school making six-figures and having gotten SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND dollars to leave a job where he cheated. 

So, here's to you Erik Kuselias, because its not like he's paying kids.

T. Doherty Tribute NBA Post

There is a situation brewing. On the horizon is the quintessential tank-job revealed. Case in point: Ben Wallace has just been traded to the Cavs. Here is a brief look at his stats from this year. A word of caution, these numbers are vomit inducing considering that his salary this year is $15, 500, 000.

FG %: .373 (Uggggh, I'm feelin' queasy.) Rebs: 8.8 (Bluuuurp. This from a guy who literally is supposed to do two things: 1. rebound and 2. block shots) Blocks: 1.60 (Bleeeeearrrrrrrrrrgh.) Pts. 5.1 (Uhh. Uhhh. Ok. I'm alright.)

Now. Let me wipe the puke from the bib. If these numbers should miraculously increase now that he is on a "contender," we will have seen a tank-job of Mark Blount-esque proportions. By the way. Has there been a more overrated player over the last five years than Ben Wallace? Dennis Rodman's stats over a career, for comparison: FG% .521, FT% .584, Rebs: 13.1. 

Peace!