I Am Officially Underwhelmed

I refused to get excited about field goals*. You know why? Because it means you couldn't score a touchdown.

Secondly, when did it become illegal in college football to deliberately take a loss of yardage to runo out the clock? It didn't. In two games today, teams with the lead had fourth and long with less than seven seconds left. Rather than run backwards to milk the clock, both teams ran plays into the defense. Fortunately both teams won. But here's the thing, why don't you just run backwards or at least zig zag? Why even risk a fumble and, even worse, why give the ball back?

* Unless, of course, said field goal is kicked from an absurdly long distance in order to win or tie a game as time expires.

I Hath Returned!

Just in time for college football, let me hit you with a few notable observations:

1. Frank Beamer is now officially fat.

2. Desmond Howard, a mere one day into the first full weekend of the season, dropped this nugget on the populace regarding Michigan: "the winningest college football in major history, program." 

The comma indicates an actual and noticeable pause, during which time it seemed that Desmond thought to himself, "Wait, this don't sound right. What will drive home my point about Michigan's storied football tradition, while at the same time rescuing me from utter ridicule? Ah, add the word program at the end. I should have said it after football, but if I just chuck it in at the end, no one will notice. In fact, there will be such a jumble of words in the listener's mind, that what he'll remember is, 'the winningest major college football program in history,' or ' in history program football the college major winningest.' Either way, I can't lose!"

Guest Blogger: My Dad

You know what team I hate? The Falcons. I can't stand the Falcons. Ever since I was a kid, I couldn't stand the Falcons. You know where I think it comes from? When Bobby Hebert left the Saints in '92, he ended up with the Falcons. I think he wanted to go to the Raiders, though. Ever since then. No Falcons. I can't stand Falcons fans either. What have the Falcons ever won? Jack. But their fans act like that team has actually accomplished something consistently. I think folks in Atlanta just don't like people from New Orleans. Tough. Don't like you either. I couldn't stand Michael Vick either. The Saints' defenses were so crappy when Vick was on the Falcons, they could never tackle him so he looked way better than he was. Man, I can't stand the Falcons. What a bunch of bozos. I enjoy seeing them lose. I like Warrick Dunn though. There's the thing. Warrick Dunn went to Catholic of Baton Rouge. Rival! Florida State. Rival! And then played for the Falcons who, as you know, I hate. But I like him. I still don't like the Falcons though. And I stand by that. The Raiders I think are kind of funny. They're just dumb. The Falcons though. It is bitter. 

It Is On and It Is On Early This Year

NFL Live, ESPN, approx. 4:10 p.m. EST:

Mike Golic, re: Rex Grossman:

Paraphrasing: "He's been spectacular and he's been awful."

Let us define spectacular as having some statistical basis. That is, let's not just say that being "spectacular" means being awesome, according to whatever definition one might have of awesome. For some, being spectacular might mean not sucking. For our purposes, particularly for a QB, spectacular means having a game with at least 3 TD's, 1 to 0 INT's, over 60% completion, and at least 300 yards. Let's look at Rex's spectacularity:

Number of regular season games with completion percentage over 60:  6

Number of regular season games with a completion percentage under 60: 24

Number of regular season games with more than 2 TD passes: 3

Number of regular season games with 0 TD passes: 13

Of those 13 0 TD performances, games with at least 1 INT: 8

Of those 8 o TD/ at least 1 INT games with more than 1 INT: 6

Number of regular season games that even come close to being spectacular: 2

Now, let's look at awful. Awful for a QB involves throwing the ball to the other team and not getting the ball to guys on your team. That said, if say, Rex Grossman had a game where he threw at least 2 INT's, failed to complete 60% of his passes and had 1 to 0 TD's, you might say that he was awful.

Awful games for Rex Grossman: 9

Oh, and just for bleeps and giggles, Rex's career completion percentage in the playoffs: 51.9. Career passer rating in the playoffs: 67.3.

Just sayin'.

 

NBA Post-Season Awards

The All-I- Can't- Stand- To- Even- Watch- These- Guys- Play Team (Because they're so aesthetically offensive.)

Criteria for selection:

1. Have a borderline offensive hairstyle. The kind of hair that makes people upset to see. Preferably, hair that moves around a lot while you're on the court. Also, hair that makes you look like you're working harder than you really are.

2. Have a name or face (preferably both) that could easily get you cast as the villain in a "Die Hard" or Steven Segal movie. 

3. Have some aspect of your game that is just flat out annoying to watch. Flail around a lot. Flop in order to get charging calls. Or otherwise be a dirty s.o.b.

4. Play for a team that is either overrated or that is a tease.

5. For the love of god, be foreign.

This year's All-Stars are:

C Dirk "Irk" Nowitzki, Dallas 

Dirk is really the MVP of this team. He's a really good offensive player, but he's hard to root for because of the ways that he meets the above criteria. He is the ultimate flailer, his hair..., and he would obviously play the really tall henchman to someone named Gerhardt who has just hijacked a cruise ship on which Segal and his wife are taking their honeymoon. And by the way, this guy has no idea about how to celebrate.

F Zaza "Patchouli" Pachulia, Atlanta

This guy promises to be a perennial member of this team. He's got the dangerous Croatian (I know, he's Georgian) mafia stubble, along with the slimy looking hair. Also, he's a whiner and he's dirty as a bastard. His character wouldn't even need a name. He'd just play himself. 

Albanian arms dealer: "You meet my price, or you pay!"

Willis/ Segal/ Van Damme: "What the hell are you talking about."

Albanian arms dealer: "Zaza, show him we mean business."

F Anderson "Sideshow Bob/ Mel" Varejao, Cleveland

While Dirk might be the MVP, this guy might just be the most annoying. What does he do, exactly, besides flop whenever an opposing player gets within ten feet of him? His hair is the standard by which candidates for this team are judged.

*You may notice that there are only three members of the team, rather than the typical five. This is intentional. There is no way that five guys like this could every play on the same team as such a combination of facial hair, flopping, and Eastern European mafia connections would cause the planet to collapse on itself.

Less Than Awesome Moments: Part One

Here at the FCO, we begin a new weekly series: Less Than Awesome Moments. Today, in the aftermath of the NFL Draft, we re-visit a less than awesome moment in New England Patriots draft history.

We return to the 1999 draft, particularly to the 28th pick for this week's Less Than Awesome Moment.

I've been away...

But now I'm back.

Quick update on the D-Man:

1. Teeth have arrived. Two of them and, lemme tell ya, not a good time. Holy crap. I gotta go through all this just to have these bad Larry's fall out? The Toof Fairy best be payin' well this year, recession be damned, for all the pain and suffering I've been through.

2. Spent the weekend in NYC for the first time. A few observations:

A. Why all the noise? Why all the honking? What happened to peace and civility?

B. Fell asleep in a restaurant. I guess that's a pretty major accomplishment, given A.

C. I really do think that I was rollin' around in the cheapest stroller, by comparison, in NY.
Some of these contraptions, holy moly! Thousands of dollars for a glorified shopping cart. Lemme tell ya, unless that sumbiscuit is propelling itself, gimme the old Graco standby any day of the week.

3. Kicked it with my Maw Maw from the NO. Good times.

Alright, I'll hit ya'll up with some NFL Draft observations tomorrow. I'll give you one now though: you won't remember 80% of these guys in two years.